LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH. What do Russian women expect from dating and marriage. Stories of married couples.

Thousands of Russian women are married to foreign men and live in their new homes in Europe or Usa. We have written a story of a Russian woman married to an american (or english) man to show you how looks a relationship and marriage with a woman from Russia. We have changed the names of our heroes and described just some events and developments of their life in marriage. There is a story of a Russian woman and an english speaking man who live together in marriage since some time. They are a good and loving couple but quarells are still happening in their life. How to overcome them and find harmony in relationships, please read the story and take some useful lessons.

A COUPLE taking their dog on holiday with them were choosing pet food for the trip. After scrutinising the different products the wife said to her husband. "Let's not take the dog this time." "We can't do that," snapped the man. "I've already told him he can come.

She's lazy ...' 'He's irresponsible ...' Do these automatic thoughts ring a bell? To see each other afresh, try cognitive therapy. Mary was planting the last row in her vegetable garden when Jim, her fiance, arrived. Observing her work, he commen ted, "But, Mary, you've planted the radishes in the shade of the taller plants." She looked at him intently. He never has any confidence in me, she thought. "I really don't think I need your advice," she said. "Just leave my garden to me, will you?" "All right," Jim said, perplexed by her sour response. "I was only trying to help." Unwittingly, he had made the kind of comment that Mary had so resented when her father ordered her around as a child.

Mary misinterpreted Jim's motive. Her father had been a military man, and she had come to regard all men as domineering. She reacted to Jim's benign suggestion as if it were a direct order. Debbie brought home a handful of brochures for her husband Ron to look at as they planned their holiday. "You decide," he said finally. "You know best about these things." Debbie took him at his word. She didn't realize that he feared he would be ridiculed if he expressed an opinion, as he often had been by his older sisters while he was growing up.

When they got to their Caribbean destination, Ron complained con stantly. "The beaches are too crowded," he said. "There's no golf. There are too many singles, and the music is too loud." Debbie felt frustrated. She had done as he asked. Why was he so critical? Because of his past, Ron felt that Debbie was trying to control him by flagrantly disregarding his wishes, wishes he assumed she knew. When Debbie booked the holiday, he thought, There she goes again, ignoring what I want. It's always the same. These cases illustrate ''automatic thoughts," often-distorted ways of thinking mat become habitual, under mining our relationships. We may not even be aware that these thoughts are influencing our feelings. Most people believe that their emotions stem directly from what's going on around them. They pay no attention to the fleeting thoughts that connect situ ations to emotions.

One of the most common types of automatic thoughts is overgenera-iization. If your spouse is irritable, for example, you may conclude that he or she no longer loves you. You respond to an interruption angrily, thinking that your mate "always" interrupts. If your spouse ignores you, you "never" get respect. Do any of these automatic thoughts ring  bett? "She's hopeless." "He's completely eelf-centred." "She never leaves me alone." "He never does what he promises." "She's lazy." "He's irresponsible." The impact of such absolutist statements in mar riages can be powerful, undermining otherwise solid relationships.

Of course, simply recognizing automatic thoughts does not lead to marital Utopia. But recognition does give you a tool to manage your emotions. It is a skill that can be mastered. My approach, called cognitive therapy, takes the view that how we think determines to a large extent whether we will succeed and enjoy life. Many of the couples I counsel have been helped by understanding a basic cognitive principle: We're usually not especially accurate in judging another person's motives, thoughts and feelings.

Useful advice for men who want to love their Russian women and wives.

We all depend on gesture, tone of voice, facial expression signals that are frequently ambiguous to draw conclusions about the attitudes of other people regardless of the nationality. But this is risky, since many things, including our state of mind, cause us to misinterpret their behaviour. Once couples understand this, they can explore the unrealistic expecta tions, self-defeating attitudes and negative explanations they bring to the relationship. Your relationship with your Russian woman or wife can be smooth and full of love if both of you will understand the needs of each other. When distressed couples fall prey to these mental traps, I have found that they can often be corrected through the following steps:

Step 1: Find the missing link in your relationship with a Russian woman. How we interpret a situation is often the unstated trigger for a quarrel, the hidden link that provokes our automatic thoughts. For example, Robert calls to say that be will be late coming home from work. His Russian wife, Helen, becomes annoyed and refuses to prepare dinner. Helen's emotional reaction was to get angry. The missing link her interpretation of the situation was her automatic thought: He doesn't want to come home. It was this thought, rather than the situation itself, that made her angry. Later, when Robert saw that Helen hadn't prepared dinner, his automatic thought was: She doesn't care about me. So he was upset. Both Helen's and Robert's automa tic thoughts were only guesses about the other's thinking,' unsupported by other evidence in the marriage. To determine whether your emotional reaction is based on tins kind of distortion, put your reel ings to a test. Ask yourself: What interpretation of the situation upset me? What is the evidence in favour of my interpretation? Is there any evidence against?

Step 2: Practise identifying auto matic thoughts. If you closely observe your thinking, you will be able to identify automatic thoughts as they flash across your mind. These internal messages trigger emotional reactions such as anger, joy, sadness, resentment. While thoughts quickly fade, emotions persist. Learning to read the thoughts that sweep across your mind gives you power over the emotions they evoke and this ability will help you to keep and direct your relationship with a Russian woman as you wish.

Step 3: Use rational responses. When I counselled Robert and Helen, we worked to find rational responses to restructure their automatic thoughts. When Robert was late, for example, Helen's automatic thought was: It's not fair. I work too, but I'm always home on time. But, when she reconsidered, her rational response was: His job is different. Many of his customers come in late. Her other automatic thought was: He doesn't really care about me. But a rational alternative was: He was considerate enough to call to say he'd be late. Besides, most of the time he does show concern and affection to me. So don't forget to show all your concern and afection to your Russian wife and she will never blame you just for nothing.

Step 4: Test your predictions. Helen was also upset by Robert's mother's habit of phoning her frequently. She felt she was checking up on her to see if she was caring property for Robert. But Helen was reluctant to discuss this problem with Robert for fear of getting into a row with him, I sug gested that we find out if her automa tic thought about a row was correct. As she anticipated, Robert was upset when she brought up the subject. "I feel as though I'm caught in the middle,'' he said. Bat he agreed that Helen's feelings had to be respected, and he offered to talk to his mother about her excessive phoning. Helen appreciated this important action on her behalf and, as a result, felt closer to Robert. This break through helped her to feel freer to discuss touchy subjects with him. Be more kind with your Russian wife and she will be closer to you.

Step 5: Re frame your perceptions. Sometimes the very qualities that attract two people to each other come to be seen as negative later. "Tie's so self-confident" becomes "He's mean and manipulative," "She's so carefree" becomes "She's ir responsible." These unfavourable labels then colour how you see your partner. Refraining consists of considering these negative attributions in a different light. The qualities that you once enjoyed or admired in your spouse are probably still there. The problem is mat your negative frame of mind allows you to see only the dark side of these qualities.

For example, Sharon was attracted to Paul because he was easygoing, accepting and full of fun. Paul, a freelance writer always oh the verge of "making it," was attracted to Sharon because she was sure of her self, an assertive, competent solicitor who didn't allow colleagues and clients to boss her about. After a few years of marriage, their images of each other changed. Sharon thought Paul was "lazy, irre sponsible and passive," He saw her as "pushy, critical and controlling."

When Paul failed to live up to some of Sharon's expectations regarding his job success, she began to press him to try harder. Paul perceived Sharon's exhortations as nagging and he retreated into greater passivity. Working with them, 1 discovered that their present negative frames, were the opposite side of their original perceptions of each other. By re-examining this positive sife Sharon and Paul were able to ù I ture some of the good feeling theyù once had for each other. It is not necessary for you or your mate to change your personalities to! promote a more harmonious rela tionship. Usually, a relatively small change in behaviour is enough to reverse a downward cycle.

What is essential is recognizing and changing negative thoughts. As Paul became more active in taking on! responsibility, Sharon relaxed her pressure on him. As Sharon's view! Paul became less negative, his view of her started to change as well. He began to feel grateful that she m able to compensate for his own weak nesses. When she stopped nagging him, he tended to do chores more spontaneously.

Such changes do not occur over night. And remember, they can take place most easily in a climate of friendliness, love and acceptance. By reframing your negative thoughts about your Russian spouse, you can regain many of the positive feelings that originally drew you together.